Beauty myths

In a very unexpected way, being involved in the adult industry has actually made me get over some of my hang ups about my own body. I really thought that the industry would take me in the opposite direction, that I would feel perpetually chubby and unhot. Part of it is because being on set, in casting calls and seeing footage that never makes it into the finished product makes me realize – these girls are a far cry from perfect. Its also being around bodies so much and realizing how unique each one is. But its more than that. Its realizing that, perfection aside, there are so many tastes and flavors out there in the world that attraction is really a matter of niche marketing.

Of course, there is the dominant paradigm (tall! thin! blonde! femme! tits-on-a-stick) that is internalized through swallowing the pill, being gag fucked by it or just the osmosis of living in the world. Cruel cruel beauty myth, how I have struggled with you and lived in opposition to you – and swallowed you so that you can burn me from the inside. Starting around age 14, I developed a pretty severe eating disorder that helped self-hatred manifest and cling to my brain for years.

But as I get older I give less of a shit about that ever-pervasive beauty standard: maybe I’m finally exorcising that demon. More than that though,I’m trying to find and enjoy alternative beauties (me included!). And that sounds like a tagline for any number of altporn ventures that are flourishing online communities, but images of difference are good.

Even better than those images of difference is what happened inside my head today. We had a girl come back to a second round of casting calls, and everyone in the office is nuts over her. She’s certainly cute and young and her tits are nice and perky. I think she’s cute too, its not just everyone else – she is the prototype of the perfect girl for our company, thats for sure. But I can totally separate that – her subjective hotness – from what I think of myself. I’m not comparing the pertness of her tits to mine – because why? I know there are plenty of folks who love small perky tits like hers – but plenty also love large pierced tits like mine. Sure, they might not be the same people, and she is the kind of girl who can have a fairly succesful modeling career while I’m not. But that comparison doesn’t matter, because I know that my “look” is marketable – and beyond that, I appreciate myself for what I am, so do others, and the market can go fuck itself. Everyone else can go fuck themselves too. Or they can find people who fit their desired aesthetic to fuck them. And I’ll do the same (not fuck them, find more people I lust after who lust after me).

So that’s my dose of our bodies, ourselves brand feminist self-cheerleading for the day. I’m gonna sneak off to the bathroom for my afternoon wank and then chow down on some chocolate. Call it the celebration of me.