This fall, a funny thing happened: I was very poor, riding that scary line between having enough time to write my book and working enough to pay my bills. Ok, that isn’t particularly funny – the funny bit is coming. The state of my fridge was almost always near-empty, but my lovely and amazing friends didn’t want to see me starve, so they fed me well and often. So despite being financially unable to do proper grocery shopping, I somehow gained weight.
There are a few funny things about this – first is the Pants Crisis. Yes,
it merits capitalization. My ass (or, my “plump dumpling” as my boyfriend calls it) got too Callipygian for all of my pants, so though I was leaning in this direction anyway, I stopped wearing pants due to ass expansion and now only wear nice stretchy asset-enhancing skirts. My boobs are now also a pillowy 38D, which is pretty outrageous.
So while these dimensions certainly have their upside (ask my dude, who seems to be becoming a bit of a feeder), I am bigger – though probably noticeably mostly only to me and my pants – than I ever was when I was getting naked for money. And as much as it has to do with the food-doting of my friends, I think this “letting myself go” also has a lot to do with the fact that I’m not at all under the lens and scrutiny of men who are hiring me to be naked and pretty for them anymore.
I was talking to fellow former naked-for-money lady Molly Crabapple about this phenomenon a few weeks ago, and we deemed it “The Fuck You Fifteen.” Of course there’s the whole thing where we should feel empowered to be pretty and in shape for ourselves, not for man or money – but also: whatever. We should also feel free to eat cookie dough as an appetizer with a mix of mashed potatoes and mac and cheese for a main course (a meal I have had more than once in the last few months).
Although I had an eating disorder when I was in my teens, I was not a serious weight and diet watcher while I was working naked in that I wasn’t constantly weighing myself and freaking out out it. At the same time, I wasn’t totally oblivious to the judgments being passed about me – in a weird way it became strangely factual and scientific – I knew the best way to pose, I knew the clothing that wouldn’t be flattering to me, and I always got freaked out if I had to shoot with a girl who was a lot smaller than me for fear of looking like a chubby giantess (or being asked to play that as my type).
Its really nice to feel that my body is my own to fatten up without random dudes taking stabs at my self esteem by saying not awesome things to me. Its awesome to enjoy my body in this way, with my Fuck You Fifteen. And though I do want to even things out a bit and fit into my pants and whatnot, its awesome that those things don’t directly affect my career and marketing and stuff – though of course I know I can’t get totally fugly if I want to maintain a career in this industry, naked or not, easing up on the self-scrutiny is rad as shit.
Have any other sex workers had this experience upon retirement?
11:37 am
I’m not a sex worker-in the way that I don’t get naked for cameras or get paid for sex acts-but I have done my share of theater. I refuse to ever look at pictures of myself onstage until at least a year after the show. Usually two years. By then I have enough distance from the show that if I hate the pictures I can tell myself that I probably don’t look like that anymore. Even if I really haven’t changed that much it is a comforting thought. I do this not only for my mental health, but also so that my work isn’t affected by me not wanting to look ugly/stupid/startling. I am drawn toward dark, creepy shows where I very seldom look pretty and often I have to express some very not attractive emotions. If I had a good mental picture of what my face looked like twisted up in rage or greif like it often is when I am performing, I would be too busy thinking about my looks to do what I need to do for the performance.
I always find it inspiring when I see women in porn who have a body that is curvy. I think curvy women are super sexy and it is great to watch them naked and think about all the other people that are finding them sexy too. When I see a curvy girl making a hot sex face or bouncing around at a nice angle I think, “Wow, maybe that’s sort of what I look like during sex”. It’s a nice thing.
So even though I know the porn industry would disagree, I say yay to plump dumplings and pillowy boobs! As long as you feel healthy you’ll look sexy.
1:08 pm
I am not retired nor do I think I will be for some time, but I do have some visions of living an off-camera life where I am very hairy. I am sort of testing the waters as I grow my leg hair for a waxing appointment. I like being hair free but the hassle of it I do not like.
6:30 pm
sigh. i wish i could be so sensible about it, you seem so grounded. when i quit stripping, it was so fantastically liberating to be able to let my bleach highlights get all rooted and dark, and allow that always-illegal armpit hair to flourish, and to yes, eat cookie dough for breakfast. fuck salad. and yet in tems of weight, fuck, it’s still often so hard to make that crucial distinction between looking hot and feeling hot. (am i quoting The Ethical Slut book? oops) whenever i’m heavier/ physically softer than i was, it’s hard not to let it eat away at my head & sense of self. in terms of my kind of sex work, being onstage, the constant compliments, the beautiful body movement & validation of traditional beauty is impossible to fully ignore. i wish i could celebrate it in your appealing, delicious fuck-you-15 way, but for now, that’s a healthy mode of thought that i can only hope to cultivate…
it’s good your partner is so solid! props to him!
and much love to your dumpling assets.
e.
9:54 pm
Thought provoking.
9:10 pm
I’m glad that your weight has been empowering for you and I have to say, I think you look great. I like women with curves and you just look healthy to me.
8:42 am
Well I`m sure you are aware of this but in times past, Shapely was Sexy and these anorexic women of today were thought to be undesirable. Look at all the Classic Art and sculpture. Most of Art is all Classical Shapely women with the exception of maybe Egyptian Art . They were some skinny babes. Personally I prefer a woman with a figure and not someone that will fall through a crack in the floor . Just as long as she dosent go totally out of control and get the beached whale look. I think your in perfect shape