This post has been germinating in my blog drafts since I started doing press for Naked on the Internet, but I’ve been biding my time… you know, the old thing about biting the hand that feeds you. I guess this is why people write anonymous blogs, so they can be honest without being held accountable. I’ve wondered whether it might be stupid to complain about my treatment by the media, “all press is good press” and all that garbage. But while I’m grateful for the coverage I’ve gotten, I think the bad stuff is worth blogging about – this is actually, in essence, what blogs are good for in the media landscape.
I fully expected to be treated like a ho, and for media folks (especially those who only looked at the intro and read the table of contents) to hone in on the personal stuff in the book (of which there is about 20 pages, compared to the 250 pages worth of stuff about the 80 ladies I interviewed). But I really didn’t expect that I would consistently feel like I was being exploited in a deeply creepy way over which I had no control, and furthermore, couldn’t say no to. I’m not stranger to doing press, so I didn’t go in totally naive – I’ve been doing press for $pread for the last few years, and those interviews are often chock full of weird assumptions, unintentional (and sometimes intentional) offensive utterances by media personages. But I’ve also never really had a problem with saying no to weird press, which is why I’ve turned down NBC, the Washington Post, Tucker Carlson. But its different when you’ve got a book to sell, and being on the map and controversial is a good thing, instead of a risky thing for the sex workers movement.
Here are some of the fun assumptions I ran up against time and time again, along with things that were actually said to me:
“Your book is actually very impressive” – Many writers who don’t ordinarily cover sexuality were really surprised that the book wasn’t “just” smutty tales, that its actually thoughtfully written and critical. I’m not sure if this is because the book is about sex or because it’s by someone who works in the sex industry (read: stupid, damaged, nympho), but the combination of smart + sex (with a little snark and fun thrown in for good measure) seems far beyond the pale for many folks.
“I know you’re a porn star, but you’re being very demure. We really need you to be a lot more over the top and outrageous.” (To which I respond, “I’m not a porn star, and this is my personality.”) – This happened on the radio show of an aging shock jock, very early in my press blitz. Shows like that are so not my demographic, and instead of being funny and engaging on this show, I got withdrawn and bitchy. Sometimes I can meet obnoxious judgment with pithy remarks, but a lot of the time it just makes me feel sad and disrespected, and I can’t make with the snappy comeback.
“Do you look like a sex worker?” – I got asked this question on a feminist radio show with the tagline “talk the way women want”. I answered it with a very “teachable moment” kind of answer – yes, I am one. But no, you wouldn’t know from seeing me, and that’s pretty common. You see sex workers every day, you just don’t know it.
As a sex worker, I had little expectation of grandeur – whenever a client got all promisey about future good things, I was wary. But whenever press is involved you get duped into weird situations because you think it’ll be good for your career, and after this exposure… When I was a sex worker, I could always say no – but most media is structured in this aggressively non-consensual way. In a sex work session, if the client wanted more than I was willing to give, I could say no, cut the session short, etc. Media interviews are structured so its very difficult and feels very risky to say no or walk out.
Being a sex worker really did teach me how to say no, how to have boundaries, and to get mad and defensive – and not feel guilty about it – if my boundaries were being pushed in a rude, disrespectful way. I suppose I need to suit up in an even harder kind of armor for the media. Relevant or not, I will always be the “former streetwalker” (not quite), “pornographer” (accurate), “adult magazine editor” (not quite) – whatever sounds like scandalous music to a media outlet’s ears.
11:45 am
About two years ago Peggy and I were approach by HBO. We weren’t thrilled about the show or the context, but H fucken BO, dude! So we fretted and fussed and worried and then finally aggreed to meet with them and see if they “got it”.
So there were are in the director’s office, Peggy (who is intensely camera-shy under the best of circumstances) is 8 months pregnant, and the producer whips out a PD150 and askes,”Is it okay if I tape your answers? It’s for the brass to see what you guys look like on camera.”
I wasn’t to happy about being ambushed, and pretty inclined to say “no”, but there was doubt (H fucken BO, dude!) Then I looked over at my wife and realized there was no fucking way I’d say yes, and precious little chance we’d appear on their dumb, facko doco late night tittie fest either.
“Gee. If you had mentioned this before we drove 3 hours into the city, we could have talked about it. But coming out of the blue like this, I’m afraid we’ll have to say no.”
The producer mumbled some manipulative crap about how if the brass count see us, it would ruin our chances to be on their show. That told me all I needed to know about how interested HBO was in the films we make, and from that point forward the rest of our meeting was actually fun. I talked shop with the director, and got to blow his mind a little with the techniques we use to be able to shoot film on such modest budgets.
That was the first time we say “no” to an organization that goes by a three-letter moniker, but not the last. And each time its’ gotten easier. Easier to see them working their little schemes, easier to see how much they expect that you’ll fall all over yourself to be in TeeVee.
Yeah, sure. I want recognition, and exposure can be helpful. But noteriety isn’t fame, and neither noteriety nor fame is especially fungable. Sell out? Mebbe. How much money you got? But I ain’t giving it away for free, especially not to Tucker Carlson.
6:24 pm
[...] Waking Vixen » How the media is more exploitative than the sex industry “Being a sex worker really did teach me how to say no, how to have boundaries, and to get mad and defensive – and not feel guilty about it – if my boundaries were being pushed in a rude, disrespectful way.” Dacia writes about her experiences w/ the media. (tags: interesting important sexwork media society culture assholes bullshit writing sexuality) [...]
11:37 pm
It seems many shows today really don’t want to have an objective, intelligent discussion of porn or sex, they simply cover the topic in a self-righteous manner, wanting to simultaneously titillate and shame their audience.
9:30 am
Oh, but Dacia…I have visions of you smacking down Tucker Carlson just like Jon Stewart did. And little else in life is more enjoyable than that. You could so, so do it.
(Excuse me while I go find the Jon Stewart clip on YouTube.)
2:05 am
I think you have to do the media, granted you will take several beatings , but you are smart and funny and it has to start somewhere. Its not easy and it sucks but someone has to do it. Good luck and gods speed.
8:59 pm
I agree the media is more exploitative, but I think there are some shows one could do that would be that unbearable. John Stewart’s show for instance, I think he’d take a slightly funny bend to it, but he’s actually give you more of an enlightened dialogue. Bill Maher, as well, I think would. I could be totally off base however.
I think there’s no doubt that any show on MSNBC, FoxSnooze, or CNN would give you a real serious debate. They are too busy with infotainment, and the puritan middle class who they cater too would find the topic off-putting.
8:59 pm
I mean’t wouldn’t give you a serious debate…darn typo!
11:52 pm
Political unflappable types don’t have ice water in their veins it’s fire retardant. Even if their interviews were life-threatening … that risk might be worth really little next to some socially risky, personally risky, effort at immediacy. So, liberals put the cooties on you! Being thin skinned shows your kooties, a kudo No fencing … 100 % good sports and turn – takers are like in the closet. To blush is sexy.
Your book is very sensitive. A Your puns are very kludgey. Your lives are very edgy. I will make a culture of your memes here in the lab … sweeten my whiskey … I’ll be writing tonight.
2:48 pm
Hello,
I am new to your blog, but I loved this post. I just started a blog this week about my experiences marketing womens erotica and discussing female sexuality.
As we advocate women taking charge of their sexuality (not stealing it because it is a God given right!), but accepting it, I know the biggest thing we have to overcome is how we see ourselves in socity. Once we change our views, the media will follow. But first…we empower ourselves. Great blog.
Diana
blog: http://sexywhispers.wordpress.com