I read Berkowitz’s book Stayin’ Alive: The Invention of Safer Sex when it was first published in 2003 – and I still vividly remember pieces of it. His memoir includes lots of intense personal and social history about the HIV epidemic, the increase in scientific knowledge about HIV (and the evolution of the acronyms used to describe it), plus plenty about activism, safer sex, and sex work. He wasn’t present at the screening of the film last week, but he was at the awards last night, and he brought up the fact that he felt like some of his ideas were given short shrift in the film. He wasn’t bashing on the director, Daryl Wein, with whom Berkowitz did hours and hours of interviews – which is hard as hell to trim down. But this is, of course, one of the problems with making a film of a palatable length. It’s never perfect.

Clarisse Thorn, who was at CineKink but with whom I didn’t get to talk very much, wrote a blog post about Berkowitz and Sex Positive after she screened the film for her Chicago-based sex positive documentary film series. In the post, she says:

…I thought representations of sex work and BDSM in the film were interesting. Berkowitz expresses reservations about his one-time career as a professional BDSM dominant. It’s unclear how much he thinks sex work is a bad thing in general, but he doesn’t come across as very happy that he did it. He talks about his BDSM activities, and those of his clients, as arising from “self-loathing” and “insecurity” and negative cultural pressures on the gay community; it’s unclear how much he thinks BDSM in general arises from those things. As a BDSM advocate I feel very wary of such representations. I feel even warier of the way Berkowitz, at one point, smiles while recalling how he always made a point of doing the things his partners said they absolutely did not want him to do. Yikes!

Berkowitz responds in the comments:

First, thanks for an insightful review of SEX POSITIVE. Many have told me they needed to gather themselves after SEX POSITIVE ends before they could sort out a complete re-telling of a history that shaped their lives but, as a result of gay censorship, they never knew. Second, the invention of safe sex was a collaboration. For clarification, please read: http://richardberkowitz.com/id20.html Of course BDSM was a source of joy in my life but I put it aside when it robs me from having a platform to champion safe sex to the largest possible audience, which BDSM often has. I was filmed talking over the course of a year; director Daryl Wein did a brilliant job–but editing doesn’t always capture comments in the context and nuance in which they were stated, and you did a great job nailing the comments that worried me! I stand by both my celebration and caveats about sex work & BDSM as written in my book, STAYIN’ ALIVE: The Invention of Safe Sex, and I hope to address these issues on my website RichardBerkowitz.com…

This and conversations at the event last night really made something click for me, and that’s the title of this post: sex positivity includes negative experiences. Sometimes sex positive people get upset or squirmy when unpleasant conversations see the light of day (and that’s viewed as the airing of dirty laundry), but these conversations and challenges need to happen in order for sex and culture to evolve in a healthy, boundary-pushy, stigma-defying way.

Having sad, fucked up and negative experiences with sex and then being honest and speaking up about them is not sex negative in and of itself. It’s important to give voice to the full range of experiences people have. To only speak up about hotness and glory is false and not a comprehensive vision of sex – in fact, it is an act of silencing people who want or need to speak out about fucked up shit that they’ve survived. Trauma, recovery, and learning to own your sexuality are really important pieces of sex positivity. And by the way, I use the word “comprehensive” in a very deliberate way, because of the concept of comprehensive sexuality education, which is so hotly debated in these United States of ours. Both good and bad experiences should be part of sex education, evaluation of risk, and thought processes behind safer sex activities.